To Pastor Again

So what does one write about after two very long days and nights with very little sleep? I'm going in overnight on Tuesday to sleep at the hospital and be checked for sleep apnea and possibly using a CPAP machine overnight from now on. I wish I had the machine now. I told Col the other night that I've come to hate sleeping. I'm confident that's not forever.

So what does one think about when it's difficult to think at all? Why blog about it? I've found that sometimes when mental energy is exhausted and the emotions are spent, there can be a sort of crystallization of the purest desires of the heart.

It's been over 20 years since I've felt fear of being cut off in my relationship with God. So that's my rock and my center. With my family, we've worked through some anguishing moments, but I know our love and long-term commitment is there and always brings us back to a point of intimacy and blessing. And I feel the same way about friends...always there. Beyond those basic givens then, where does my spirit wander on a day like this?

To pastoring. I love God and I love people. People explode my senses. When I walk down a crowded hallway, I'm blown away by the unbelievable presence of people. Eternal souls with infinite potential to live and love. Awesome! And I love the life-changing message of Jesus, and how the Holy Spirit brings healing and wholeness. And I love truth. Truth rocks.

I've been a youth pastor, music director, music pastor, and church planting pastor. Sweet! So the job description of the pastor includes connecting with God for the strength and blessing to give away to other people. It involves listening and caring, counseling with grace and truth, "being there" in some of people's most important and memorable moments. It's pouring over the scriptures each week for inspired morsels of wisdom that will help us all point our lives more purely toward Jesus. It means fostering a community of encouragement and faith, raising up people to fulfill their potential as leaders and continue the cycle of blessing.

I love being involved with the church in dozens of helpful ways, but I pray for the opportunity one day soon to pastor again. In the moments when I'm holding onto the very basics of life (gratefully), the desire to pastor is still one of my most basic aches. Why not do it tomorrow? Well, to be honest, our ministry positions and career path have brought us to a place where we need to get our financial fundamentals stronger before we can venture out again. Four ministry positions, an average of three years each, and each time I've needed to step away or move on in order to keep my principles, integrity and family intact.

I've found a pretty high degree of peace about the whole thing. I'm prepared for the possibility that God could lead Colleen and I to a place where these shepherding passions of my heart would be outletted another way. I've also acheived a reasonable level of detachment where I can find pleasure in just being with God, friends and family, and leave the ultimate results with him...

To pastor again, like really pastor with full-time income and the freedom to shepherd professionally? How amazing would that be! I think I'll have a hard time worshiping standing up, because I'll be so humbled and thankful that I won't be able to get off my knees, or my face.